i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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