I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
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I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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