My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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