I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
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I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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