no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
