Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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