The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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