I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
