I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
