I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
