I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
