Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
