I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
