I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
