she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
