He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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