remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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