he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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