Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
