My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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