Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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