I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
