She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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