Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
