his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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