i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
