If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
