No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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