Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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