a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
