Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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