apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
