it was like having sex with a tree stump
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
