I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
