about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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