I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
