how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
