You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
