I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
