he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Randomize
