Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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