i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
