Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
