I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
