I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize