I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
