It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
