On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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