How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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