never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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