So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
