i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
