all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
