The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
