mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
