Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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