I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
