Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
