True but thats because hes a fetus.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
